Lying on the Moon

Know that feeling when you don't mind writing notes in class because the pen is so blissfully smooth? And the feeling when someone makes you laugh so hard you can't imagine what you would do when you won't be able to see them each day? Or the feeling when you walk to class taking each step with the beats of the song you're listening to? The sound of a class laughing in unison? These are little moments that make up my day here. Tiny fragments of the last 30 days left.

There's nothing in particular that I want to write about. I just felt like writing. It's comforting. To open up this little box and observe what unfurls in front of me. It rained today. After long. I was in the editing studio working on an assignment, and when I stepped out, the gust of wind and the smell of wet mud filled my senses. It was like a spell. I was just so happy. I walked all the way to the photocopy shop with a stupid grin plastered on my face. I just love this place so much. 

We have this professor teaching us Business Journalism these days, and he is so good that none of us mind spending our entire evenings sitting in a classroom listening to him. He discussed the financial crisis of 2008, he talked about its aftermath, and then he played a game with us, where we all were the head of the Federal Reserve and had to control the economic condition of America. I wish all the teachers in the world were like him. People would grow up smarter then. I wish I had better teachers in school. I did, but nothing ever interested me apart from stories. Biology and Geography to an extent, but I never spent as much time trying to understand those as I did with my nose etched deep between the pages of my English literature textbooks.

I watched the first episode of True Detective. There's something Matthew McCanoughey says which caught my attention. "Human consciousness is a tragic misstep in evolution. We became too self-aware. Nature created an aspect of nature separate from itself. We are creatures that should not exist by natural law. We are things that labour under the illusion of having a self. The secretion of sensory experience and feeling programmed with total assurance that we are each somebody. When in fact, we are nobody. Maybe the honourable thing for our species to do is to deny our programming. Stop reproducing. Walk hand-in-hand into extinction."

That's probably a pessimistic, awful thing to say to anybody. But god, I love it. I just love it when somebody tries to think beyond what we are supposed to do. What we are taught to do. What we are made to do. I can't believe people have stopped asking questions. They do not want to know things which are beyond their comprehension. Which reminds me, I also watched Richard Linklater's Waking Life. Linklater is the same guy who created Before Sunrise, Before Sunset and Before Midnight. Sheer brilliance.

Anyway, so I love him because he's constantly asking all these questions in his films. Waking Life is about a boy who is lucid dreaming, and he meets all these people and talks to them about existence, science, the universe, religion and other such things. Things that people, for some reason, don't discuss in everyday life. They just talk about superficial everyday issues. Which is also fine, but have you noticed how people usually seem to talk nonsense most of the time?

I didn't even understand half the things they were trying to explain in the movie. And I know, I know, people usually roll their eyes and advise me not to think so much and to 'go with the flow.' But, I just don't buy it. The whole 'living' thing. If I had a choice, I would probably not even do it. There's got to be bigger plan, but that is not enough and it doesn't even matter because we are here for like a fleeting second. We are here completing our time, trying to get by and salvage some happiness for ourselves. Which is fine, but it just makes me so restless.

There was a scene in the movie where a girl bumps into the guy for less than a second, and they apologize and start walking away, and then she stops him and says, "Hey. Could we do that again? I know we haven't met, but I don't want to be an ant. You know? I mean, it's like we go through life with our antennas bouncing off one another, continously on ant autopilot, with nothing really human required of us. Stop. Go. Walk here. Drive there. All action basically for survival. All communication simply to keep this ant colony buzzing along in an efficient, polite manner. "Here's your change." "Paper or plastic?' "Credit or debit?" "You want ketchup with that?" I don't want a straw. I want real human moments. I want to see you. I want you to see me. I don't want to give that up. I don't want to be ant, you know?"

Isn't this true? Even more so now, in our digitally 'enhanced', virtual existences where we interact the most on social media and not with real people, we just don't talk. How many of us would start a conversation with a stranger on the road?

I don't know. I know I may be a bit of an over-thinker. It's just that, we are just so small. And powerless, and fragile. We think we are big-shots, with our bloated egos, and our greedy natures, but we are only human. And that is the sad part. How great it would be if people communicated like that, without any ulterior motives?

I don't know. I know I may be a bit of an over-thinker. It's just that, we are just so small. And powerless, and fragile. We think we are big-shots, with our bloated egos, and our greedy natures, but we are only human. And that is the sad part. 

P.S. I'm listening to The Moon Song from the movie 'Her'. It's so painfully nostalgic. 

P.P.S. The title of my post is the first line in the song :)

Whiny post

I want to whine. Big time. About everything. So brace yourself. Or just skip it.

IT'S NOT FAIR. It's not fair that we are constantly doing things we do not want to do. These useless assignments, attending classes we don't want to, going to different cities for a job we don't even want. Why is it like this? Why? I have to do three assignments today. My lower back is hurting. I AM TWENTY THREE YEARS OLD. I should NOT have back aches. Is it because I'm so tall? It's not fair. Plus, I slept in a weird position and my right shoulder is killing me. I have to leave for Bangalore tomorrow and come back the next day. I am going to be exhausted. Plus, my attendance is lower than I thought it would be. I need 75% or else I will not be allowed to write my exams. Now I have to go and talk to the administration to adjust my attendance because I had missed some classes because of an interview. Damn these rules. Damn everything. I am spending so much money. I do not want to, but I have to. I have a headache. I have a white-head on my stupid chin and my hair is so messy today. Why can't it just stay in place?! And maybe stop falling for a change?

Why have we made our lives like this? It wasn't supposed to be like this. I am so young. I just want a simple, comfortable life doing something I like and enjoying some moments of pleasure. Is it too much to ask for? I don't want to study or give exams. I don't want to do anything. I just want to go into a long deep slumber and wake up when everything has sorted itself out. I am so jealous of people who enjoy their work and earn loads of money doing it. Maybe I should sell my soul to the devil and become a corporate slave. Everything comes down to money at the end of the day, anyway. I'm losing faith in so many things. I am also jealous of people who can express their thoughts so efficiently and eloquently.

I want to detach my legs from my torso and keep the two parts away from each other. I want someone to pamper me and get me nice things. I want hot chocolate. I'm sitting alone in my room. Procrastinating and trying to do assignments I don't want to. Why do we have to do all this? No. No. NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Just breathe

Yup.

A couple of days back, my laptop charger suddenly decided to stop working. It said ‘the battery was unrecognized’ and I would have to buy a new one. My first reaction was a loud gasp ensued by a panic attack. I could not afford to have even a temporarily dead laptop because it has EVERYTHING. Literally, everything. My books, my ongoing dissertation work, my movies, my songs, internet, everything. It’s my connection to everything important in my life right now. Then I thought to myself how pathetic that was. I mean, if I can’t use my laptop, I’m practically handicapped. I won’t be able to work, to watch anything, read anything, or chat with anyone. I mean, what about the days when your books were physical, your notes were written on actual notebooks and you spent more time outside talking to people for real, and not typing out words with a poker face infested with ‘LOLs’ when you don’t actually ‘LOL’.  

I thought to myself it won’t be so bad. I’d order another charger and in the meantime I can go out more, read a book or talk to people. But I knew I would be restless till I get my hands on my laptop again. This is what we do, every single day after our classes get over. It’s unnerving, and disconcerting to think of the amount of information that is shoved into our faces as soon as we sign into our Twitter accounts or read all those feeds on our Facebook walls. The relentless ‘Which Game of Thrones character are you?’ quizzes, or innumerable reports and analysis of the same events, or opinion pieces on politics and how so and so affects your so and so. It makes me think, do we need so much information after all? Is it even healthy?  

Everything and everyone is crying out for your attention. But not everything and everyone deserves your attention. Imagine if a person living in the 1930s time-travelled into the future and observed us. He’d be befuddled and appalled to see how everyone is so obsessed with these square-shaped gadgets of various sizes emitting light on people’s faces. He might think human beings are possessed by some sort of bewitching objects, and we have no choice but to follow their orders. Because more often than not, it is us following their orders, than giving them. ‘Read me! Read me!’ ‘Click me because my headline is really inviting and once you open it you’ll realize that it is actually completely useless.’ ‘Watch this video and waste several minutes of your life which you could have spent stargazing or getting some exercise.’ They make us lazy, complacent and totally dependent on them. People can be dumb today, because they know they just have to whip out their black mirrors and get all the answers they want. Don’t know a song? Shazam it! Forgot the name of a movie? Google it! Eating something, or absolutely anything at all? Instagram it! Came across something nobody cares about? Tweet it!

Want to know what’s the worst part? We have all fallen prey to it. Including me. Though I might not be as bad as some of my friends, who hold their cell phones as if they’re an actual extension of their hands, I do it too. I do it because I’m a media student, and I have to ‘keep up.’ I need to be up to date with facts, and sometimes I do admit, I enjoy it. There is a vicarious thrill in 'checking someone out' or 'stalking' them or make fun of what they write. But I wish we had not reached a stage where we all go out and spend half the time with our eyes fixed on our tiny screens. Where everyone can be whoever they want to be, by projecting who they want to be, and not who they really are.

I miss the time when I used to listen to music on my Walkman and rewind it over and over to try to figure out what the singer with the heavy American accent was trying to say. I miss playing board games and cards and the anticipation of getting glossy printed photographs. I just wish we were not so reliant on it, you know? Too much of anything can’t be good.

Anyway, today is March 4^th. Know what that means? We have exactly one month before college gets over. One month to finish the dissertation, classes, assignments and exams. We just attended a college fest. Our last one. We had a band called Swarathma that played in college. They were great! Entertaining, good and kind of crazy. Plus, Amitabh Bachchan visited our campus today! Yep, we saw him in flesh and blood. His voice is amazing. It was pretty unbelievable to see the not so 'angry young man' for real. So, good stuff. 

I’ve been discovering lots of new music and Fleet Foxes is one of my most favourite bands currently. Please listen to them. My top two songs are ‘Blue Ridge Mountains’ and ‘Your Protector’. I’ve also been listening to this song called 'Breathe' since I watched an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. I like the lyrics.

Went to Bombay to give an interview, and once again, was shocked at the number of people scurrying about. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get used to that.

We spent the entire time playing Taboo after dinner today. God, it can be so much fun. Really keeps you on your toes. The breeze was beautiful tonight, like always. I’m trying not to get increasingly sentimental about leaving college over the next few days.

My sister completed two years of marriage today. TWO WHOLE YEARS. I was kind of freaking out about it. I had thought I would be sorted by the time I’m 23. But I guess you can never be ‘sorted’ in your life, ever. One of the things Big B said in his speech today was, “Agar mann ka ho to achcha hai. Aur agar mann ka na ho to zyaada achcha hai.” Translation: “If something you want happens, it’s good. If something you want doesn’t happen, it’s even better.” It just put a smile on my face. It’s okay if things are not turning out as I wanted them to. It will all be okay.

Like the song says, breathe. Just breathe.